On the news we hear smart advice regard­ing the mea­sures we should take to avoid con­tract­ing the swine, I mean H1N1 flu virus.

We’ve been told to wash our hands reg­u­larly. What’s reg­u­larly? Isn’t that a rel­a­tive term? I mean what about the per­son who has OCD and washes their hands one hun­dred times a day for one minute at a time?

Any­way we should wash our hands with soap for at least twenty to thirty sec­onds long enough to sing Happy Birthday. Hmmm, when my lit­tle boy washes his hands I tell him to sing the ABC’s, is that too long?

We’ve also been told to cough into our arms. What hap­pens if we get a hug? Eewwww!

I’ve com­posed a list of mea­sures you can take right now to avoid being con­t­a­m­i­nated with the Piggy Flu H1N1 virus.

1. Carry a bot­tle of antibac­te­r­ial lotion with you at all times. Use it about every ten min­utes or when ever some­one touches you. Bet­ter yet bathe in it and hand the bot­tles out to per­fect strangers. Don’t get to close to them as they may be con­t­a­m­i­nated, toss the germ fight­ing mir­a­cle agent to them. Its safer. I know our moth­ers raised us with the notion that throw­ing some­thing at some­one other than a ball is rude, but we’re talk­ing about your health here for Pete’s sake!

2. If you insist on wear­ing a mask get one that looks like Freddy Kruger. You’ll scare your chil­dren and their friends mar­ring their psy­che for life. Totally worth it as we all know what germ car­ry­ing bug­gers they really are. As an added bonus you could wear the scis­sor hand things a la Wolver­ine. Trust me, peo­ple of all ages will stay very far away from you.

3. Don’t go into con­fined spaces. I can’t take all the credit for this one — as this rec­om­men­da­tion comes straight from Vice Pres­i­dent Biden him­self. This includes ele­va­tors, restrooms, cars, sub­ways, air planes, coffins, and class rooms.

4. Avoid crowded areas. This includes but is in no way lim­ited to shop­ping malls, super­mar­kets, car­ni­vals, parades, beaches, parks, and large met­ro­pol­i­tan areas. If you find that you must go out into an area where a bunch of peo­ple are likely to be, such as a shop­ping mall please take the fol­low­ing pre­cau­tions. Carry with you a bot­tle of Vicks or Thera Flu and take large swigs straight from the bot­tle, sneeze into your hands or a dirty look­ing hand­ker­chief then wipe your nose with the back of your hand. Com­plain loudly about how much your bones ache. As an added mea­sure you could also go into spo­radic fits of cough­ing. You might get some dirty looks from fel­low shop­pers but they will all be from about a twenty foot radius.

5. If you must leave the safety of your own home. Please and this is very impor­tant. DO NOT TOUCH ANYTHING! Oh, and if you should hap­pen to have any of these items lay­ing around your house unused now would be a good time to use them. A ster­ile bub­ble that you can go into for the dura­tion of this non-pandemic. A haz­mat suit, or an atomic bomb shel­ter. Pres­i­dent Obama says we don’t have to worry about being bombed so it’s not like you’re going to use it!

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